The Demise of My Smile - Original Poem

Running away from the ones I love,
That is my personality.
Trying to distance myself from the ones I care for,
A mere safety my heart and brain force.

Around the ones I love
There is pain and suffering
Both mental and physical
I try to avoid all of the ways I cause pain.

From physical violence,
Purposeful or accidental -
To mental pain caused
From my distance I seem to need...

All of that is a mere safety precaution.
I hate hurting people I care about,
Yet a part of me seems to not be able to escape
The tendency I have to fear intimacy.

"Push them away!"
"Never let them near!"
"You're a monster!"
That's what my mind chooses to hear.

I hate this part of me
With every inch of my being.
From early on in life,
My anger has always been near.

It hides in the shadows my mind creates for it,
Lurking around the happy thoughts
And planning the demise of my smile.
Every time - It succeeds.

~Alyssa Hellenbrand~